Gone But Not Forgotten
by Mulderette
Summary: Carter's random thoughts after he finds out Mark has died.


TITLE: Gone But Not Forgotten  
AUTHOR: Lynne Facella  
CATEGORY: Carter & Mark  
SPOILERS: Episodes through The Letter.  
SUMMARY: Carter's random thoughts after he finds out Mark has died.  
DISCLAIMER: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc., etc.  
EMAIL: Mulderette@aol.com or Lynne1919@aol.com   
  
  
When he first started reading the letter from Mark, it was if he was still with them, as if he would just come laughing into the ER at any moment. The additional page, written by Elizabeth, had almost undone him though. He was barely able to get through it without breaking down. Mark Greene had died. It somehow didn't even seem fathomable. He had always been here...always. To know that he was gone forever...seemed almost too hard to bear.   
  
After he read the letter, everyone went off on their own again, some to find a quiet place to grieve privately, others to immerse themselves in their work. He walked out to the ambulance bay, to the basketball hoop where Mark had used to play so often...many times with Doug. Doug...He wondered if he even knew. Mark and Doug had been close...best friends...But he was aware how things could change. Time went by and the people who you vowed you would always stay in touch with, just seem to slip by the wayside. It was sad, but it was life.   
  
He walked back into the ER and found himself observing people, noting the sadness as they read the letter, some for the first time, some just rereading what he had already recited. Shared looks, a few words, just the little things that showed they were all in this together, that they all shared the hurt of this loss. As the day wore on, he found himself going over to it a few times, each time finding himself choking up.   
  
His thoughts turned towards Mark's family. He wondered how Elizabeth was doing through all this. He couldn't begin to imagine what she was going through. He thought about Rachel. He knew the family had had its problems, the whole ordeal when Ella overdosed, but they had gotten through it like families do. Rachel had no father now...a tough thing for a teenage girl to get through, but at least she had gotten to know Mark. Ella...Ella would have no memory of her father. She would have to depend on the memories of others, pictures and videos. It was sad that she would never know her father who had loved her so much. He was struck by the idea that they should start some kind of a journal. Everyone who knew Mark could make an entry...it wouldn't matter what, a few paragraphs or just a few brief words, something funny Mark had done or said or a remembrance of how he had helped save someone's life or made it better, just any little thing. It would be a nice keepsake for Elizabeth and her children, something to give Ella a glimpse into her father that she might not get otherwise.  
  
He sighed and went into the lounge, settling on the couch, his thoughts caught up in the past. There had been so many changes. So many faces had come and gone since he had first set foot in County. Some had left tragically...Dennis, Lucy, and now Mark...All of them had touched his life in some way. He'd been consumed with guilt after the deaths of Dennis and Lucy, but this was different. There was no guilt now, just a profound sense of loss.   
  
The rest of the day passed and he went off to spend the evening with his colleagues at the Lava Lounge. He ended up spending his time alone with Abby instead. He was so worried about her and was trying hard to tread that line between trying to help her and not getting in over his head. He was losing the battle though and he knew it all too well. The more time he spent with her, the harder he was falling. All she had to do was smile, toss her hair or touch him in the most innocent way and he was under her spell. He knew she sensed it. How could she not? But still he couldn't make a move. Even with Mark's death, even with knowing that life was too short. He knew he was in love, finally really in love, but before he told her, he needed to help her. He just wanted her to be okay. For right now...his own feelings would have to wait.   
  
He and Abby spent the night in Doc McGoo's, eating, drinking coffee and talking. A couple of times he found himself just staring at her, wondering if they could really ever have a future together. Morning had come all too quickly, and it had been time for him to go back to work. The grief seemed to be setting in more today as the numbness wore off and the realization that Mark was indeed gone sunk in more deeply.   
  
Susan broke down in the lounge. He hugged her and tried to comfort her the best he could. Then Kerry came in to try to clean out Mark's locker for Pratt. She was too upset to complete the chore though. She asked if he could finish and he readily agreed. He took off Mark's nameplate and then quickly and methodically started taking out his belongings and placing them into a box. Pratt was getting a very special locker. He wondered if he realized it or even if he cared. Somehow he doubted it. He tried not to be emotional, tried not to get caught up in it, and succeeded pretty well until he set his eyes on Mark's stethoscope. Without even thinking, he slipped his own stethoscope off his neck and put it into the box, then slowly grasped Mark's stethoscope and pulled it out of the locker. He held it in his hands for a few moments before he placed it around his own neck. He wasn't even sure what possessed him to do it, but he did and somehow he felt that Mark would approve.  
  
As the day wore on, he almost felt as if somehow, a part of Mark had gone from the stethoscope right into his head and heart. He was able to cope with everything that came up. His decisions were right on the money and when Gallant was overwhelmed by a particularly gory trauma, he found himself using the very words Mark had once spoken to him in a very similar situation. It was almost as if somehow Mark was guiding him, helping him along his way, just as he always had. He knew then that Mark Greene would never really die, but that a part of him would live in the ER forever. 


End file.
